當你犯了錯誤時，你會對自己怎麼說？

 當你犯了錯誤時，你會對自己怎麼說？

三月開始上 Sylvia Haskvitz 老師(NVC認證培訓師)的靈性星期日的線上課程，為期半年，一個月一次，主要看 Marshall Rosenberg的影片，進行反思。

三月Sylvia老師選的影片是 "How do you talk to yourself for making mistakes?" (當你犯了錯誤時，你會對自己怎麼說？)，對個人而言，滿有啟發性的，我開始觀察自己平日對自己說了哪些？挺好的。

附上影片供參考。影片是以英文＋德文為主，在看影片時，請記得設定自動翻譯》選中文，否則可能不知道在說什麼！

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iibgCYQTXCs&t=67s

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英文逐字稿

How do you talk to yourself when you make mistakes

Marshall Rosenberg

M: Marshall Rosenberg； P： Participant

M: How do you talk to yourself when you make mistake, what I find out is that people find it much easier to empathize with someone else than themselves.

So, to engage in this activity I like you think a mistake you make. Something you wish you hadn’t done. Can be a little thing and can be a big thing. Think of a mistake you make. For those of you who are perfect never make mistakes. You can participate in this activity, use your imagination. Imagine you made a mistake. Even that is very hard for you to imagine making a mistake, then just sit there feel better than everybody else. So, do one of those things.

For those less perfect, think of a mistake you made. And what I like you to do is to write down what did you say to yourself when you saw yourself making a mistake. I want a little taste of how you talk to yourself when you are less perfect.

If you can’t recall what exactly you say to yourself, I am sure by now you have pretty good idea of how you talk to yourself when you’re less perfect. So, guess what you probably say to yourself.

Yes, so what did you say to yourself when you saw what you’d done?

P: “I am a failure, stupid, I just can’t do it.”

M: ”Failure, stupid, can’t do it.” Yeh, you are still alive. Wow, even inner wolf speak to you, that wonderful. Any one of those can kill a horse. “You are a failure, you are stupid”, Okay, what else?

P: “I’ve been thinking for days, why did this happen to me? “

M: (拿出手偶) Oh, poor you.

“Why” questions are the most violent form of communication. Because behind why questions is another way to say something screwed up about you (something wrong with you). Is that “why” question means?

I know how to handle the “why” question through a nine years old boy. I was in the school to wait for the school to be opened. I was going to be working with a teacher at the school. Then the nine years old boy walked happily into the hall. Then out of the room comes a flying wolf teacher. I didn’t know wolves can fly until that day. It seems she comes from nowhere. She was the most dangerous kind of wolf, a smiling wolf, but even worse than that, a smiling wolf asking a “why” question. Scary! So she smiles “Why you are in the hall?” But this young man knows how to handle the “why” question.

Here was the answer. Silence. He knows never to answer the wolf’s question without a lawyer.

Wolf teacher: “I ask you a question! Why are you in the hall?”

He know how to deal with it.

So, when we ask ourselves “why” questions, it’s very clear implicit that kind of why the question is already blamed. Giraffes never ask “why” questions. They know why questions are a poor expression of what questions.

What else do you tell yourself?

P: I say to myself “I always have high expectations for myself.”

M: I always have high expectations. Implicitly there is a “should” word “That you shouldn’t have such high expectations.” I think they're probably in there.

P: I didn’t understand when you said “why” questions are hidden “what” questions.

M: I took a course in philosophy one time. The philosophy professor helped me see that. That almost any “why” question could be anyone about four “what” questions. We could be a lot of clear what we really ask, if we make “what” questions rather than “why” questions.

P: Do you have an example?

M: “Why do you want to know?” “What” questions could be “What need could be to serve if I explain that.”

P: Understanding.

M: Another “what” question could express the same “why” question “What is so important

to ask now rather than later?” or can be any other thing. So we can be more clear by asking “what” questions. So, that is one advantage of “what” questions, which is much clear.

And another good reason, most people have that kind experience like the young man had, as I was talking about. “ Why” question is asked by wolf on blame finding mission. They want to know whether the reason is deserving a punishment. “Whether you should be in the hall or not?” So “why” questions are very often wanting to prove the other person is bad, so you can blame them and punish them.

P: Could I also say “What are you doing here?” isn’t that also a wolf language?

M: Almost any question could be wolf language. If the other person did not connect to your need behind it. Questions are requested. Nonviolent Communication we never make a request until we are sure the person sees the need behind them. Only by seeing the needs, people can enjoy responding to the needs.

P: What the giraffe teacher had said would be hearing?

M: The Giraffe might be said “I am frustrated if you are out of the hall without your teacher’s approval. I have the need for order.” We all recognize this need for order. So that would be what might be going on, then the request would be “Would you tell me whether your teacher knows you are out of here?” As that turned out the situation was what was that person wanted to know. I think she could make a less danger by saying her feelings and needs before asking the “why” question.

Another example of what you said to yourself of you made a mistake.

P: I said to myself “I just want to learn from the situation. If that happened again, just do it better.

M: It’s a very giraffe way to say to yourself. “I want to learn from it.” I didn’t hear you say to yourself you did anything wrong. Giraffe knows that they never do anything wrong. Giraffes never do anything wrong.

Here is how the giraffe thinks about this mistake “I sometimes do things I wouldn’t have done. If I knew then what I since learn.” They don’t think there is anything wrong to make mistake. Giraffes enjoy making mistakes. It’s a way to learn unless you blame yourself there.

If you just mourn, you see the need not met by you did. That is going to help you to learn from this. See, wolfs try to be perfect. Giraffes try to get progressively less stupid.

If you want to be perfect, every mistake can attack you, every mistake. So you can avoid mistakes by not trying. You can’t fall out of bed if you sleep on the floor. But giraffe knows living involves progressive learning. The goal of life is not to be perfect. Anything is worth doing, is worth doing poorly. That’s another way of saying the goal is to become progressively less stupid. The goal of life is not to be perfect. To laugh our laughter, to cry our tears, to celebrate when we get our needs met, to mourn when we don’t, but to mourn without blame, without thinking something wrong with you.

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中文逐字稿

當你犯了錯誤時，你會對自己怎麼說？

Marshall Rosenberg

M: Marshall Rosenberg P:參加者

M：當你犯錯時，你會怎麼對自己說？我發現人們發現對他人同理比對自己更容易。

所以，進行這項活動，我想要你去想你犯的錯誤。你希望你沒有做過的事情。可以是小事，也可以是大事。想想你犯的一個錯誤。對於那些完美的人來說，永遠不會犯錯誤。你可以發揮你的想像力，參加這項活動。想像一下你犯了一個錯誤。即使這樣你也很難想像會犯錯，然後坐在那裡感覺比其他人都好。所以，做其中一件事。

對於那些不太完美的人，想想你犯的一個錯誤。我想要你做的是，寫下當你看到自己犯了錯誤時，你對自己說了什麼？我想要品味一下，當你不那麼完美時，你是怎麼對自己說的。

如果你不記得你對自己說了什麼，我相信現在你已經很清楚了，當你不那麼完美時，你是如何對自己說的。所以，猜猜你可能對自己說了什麼？

是的，所以當你看到你所做的事情時，你對自己說了什麼？

P：“我很失敗，很愚蠢，我就是做不到。

M：”失敗，愚蠢，做不到。” 還好！你還活著。哇，連內在的狼都跟你說話，太棒了。任何一個都很有殺傷力。 “你是失敗者，你是愚蠢的！”，好吧！還有什麼。

P：“我這幾天一直在想，為什麼這會發生在我身上？ “

M：（拿出手偶）哦，可憐的你！

問“為什麼”是最暴力的溝通方式。因為在”為什麼”問題的背後是另一種方式來表達關於你搞砸了什麼（你有什麼問題）。這就是”為什麼”問題的所代表的意思。

我是經由一個九歲的男孩，來知道如何處理 “為什麼”的問題。我在學校等待學校開門。我打算和學校的一位老師一起工作。然後一個九歲的小男孩興高采烈地走進大廳。然後從房間裡飛出來了一個狼老師，直到那天我才知道狼會飛。看來她不知從何而來，她是隻最危險的狼，一隻微笑的狼，但更糟糕的是，這隻微笑著問 “為什麼”的狼，太可怕了！她笑了笑：「你怎麼在大廳裡？」

但是這個年輕人知道如何處理”為什麼”這個問題。

這就是答案－沈默。他知道在沒有律師的情況下永遠不要回答狼問的問題。

狼老師：「我問你一個問題！你怎麼在大廳裡？」

他知道如何處理。

所以，當我們問自己”為什麼”的問題時。”為什麼”的問題，很明顯隱含了責備。長頸鹿從不問為什麼問題。他們知道”為什麼”的問題，是一種“什麼”問題的差勁表達方式。

你還告訴自己什麼？

P：我對自己說；「我總是對自己抱持很高的期望。」

M：”我總是抱有很高的期望。” 隱含著一個“應該”這個詞。我想可能在裡面有 “你不應該有這麼高的期望。”

P: 你說”為什麼”的問題隱藏著 “什麼”的問題，我不明白這是什麼意思？

M：我曾經上過一門哲學課，哲學教授幫助我看到了這一點。幾乎任何 “為什麼”的問題，都可能是關於四個 “什麼”(what)問題中的任何一個。如果我們提出 “什麼”的問題，而不是提”為什麼”的問題，我們可以很清楚我們真正想問的是什麼。

P：你有例子嗎？

M：你為什麼想知道？如果我解釋一下，可能是”什麼”的問題：「如果我解釋那個，可能可以服務到什麼需要？」

P：理解。

M：另一個 “什麼”的問題，可以表達相同的”為什麼”的問題：「什麼這麼重要？要現在問而不是之後再問？」或者可以是其他任何東西。所以我們可以經由問”什麼”問題來弄得更清楚。所以，那是 “什麼”問題的優點之一，會更清晰。

還有一個很好的理由，正如我前面提到的，大多數人都有跟那個年輕人有相同的經驗。狼問 “為什麼”的問題，是基於尋找指責點的任務。他們想知道否有值得懲罰的理由。「你是否應該在大廳裡？」因此， “為什麼”問題經常想證明對方是不好的，所以你可以責備他們，並懲罰他們。

P：我能不能說：「你在這裡做什麼？」也是狼的語言嗎？

M：如果對方沒有跟你背後的需要連結，則幾乎任何問題都可能是狼的語言。提問是請求。在非暴力溝通，我們從不提出請求，除非我們確認對方看到請求背後的需要。只有看到需要，人們才能樂於回應需要。

P：長頸鹿老師會怎麼說呢？

M：長頸鹿可能會說：「如果你未經老師批准就離開大廳，我會很沮喪。我有秩序的需要。」我們都知道到秩序的需要。所以這就是可能發生的事情，然後請求會是：「你能告訴我，你的老師是否知道你離開到這裡了？」其結果是這位老師想知道些什麼。我認為她可以在問”為什麼”這問題之前，先說出她的感受和需要，這樣會減少一些危險。

還有什麼你犯了錯誤，你對自己說了什麼的例子？

P：我對自己說：「我只是想從這種情況中吸取教訓，如果再次發生這種情況，那就會做得更好！」

M：這是一種以非常長頸鹿對自己說話的一種方式：「我想從中學習。」我沒有聽到你對自己說，你做錯了什麼。

長頸鹿知道他們永遠不會做錯任何事。長頸鹿永遠不會做錯任何事。以下是長頸鹿對這個錯誤的看法：「我有時會做一些我希望自己沒去做的一些事情。如果我知道些些事，從那以後，我學到了。”他們不認為犯錯有什麼不對，長頸鹿喜歡犯錯。這是一種學習方式。除非你在那責備自己。

如果你只是哀悼，你會看到你沒有滿足的需要，這將幫助您從中學習。看到沒！狼試圖變得完美，長頸鹿則試圖逐漸變得不那麼愚蠢(更有智慧)。如果你想變得完美，每一次的犯錯都在攻擊你，每一次的犯錯。

所以你可以透過不做任何嘗試來避免錯誤。如果你睡在地板上，你就不會從床上掉下來。但長頸鹿知道生活涉及漸進式學習，生活的目標不是完美。任何事情都值得做，做得不好也值得。目標是逐漸變得不那麼愚蠢，這是另一種說法。

生活的目標不是完美。為我們的歡樂而笑，為我們的難過而哭。為我們的需要得到滿足而慶祝，當我們沒有得到滿足時哀悼，但要毫無責備地哀悼，不要認為你有什麼問題。